It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here. Sorry if anyone was concerned!
So far health-wise, I’m doing okay. Knock on wood.
I am now on six or twelve month doctor visits. My doctors have all been pretty cool about scheduling. They’re trying to space them out so I don’t have to constantly see a doctor. I don’t have any testing other than a blood test and mammogram to do before my next appointment in June. The fact that I’m not getting scans or anything to specifically check for recurrence still freaks me out. Although, I get that they don’t want to put my body through anymore crap than necessary.
Mentally, I’m probably as good as I’m going to be for now. There are moments I feel jittery, like I just have to get up and move, without any obvious cause. I had a dream the other night that the cancer had come back. In the dream, I started crying and saying, “I knew it wasn’t over.” When I woke up, my thought was “Well, that’s still in there.” For the most part, I can keep the crazy in check, but it sneaks in my sleep.
Overall, it’s interesting where I feel better and where I still struggle. My stamina is getting better. Where I struggle is if I try to work more than two eight hour days in a row. My skin looks nearly normal where I had radiation, but I still need to put lotion on it every day or my skin itches like crazy. It is terribly inconvenient to have what feels like a thousand ants making a home in my cleavage. I’m still struggling with chemo brain. If I have a fuckton of caffeine, I’m pretty functional. The rest of the time I feel like I’m stuck underwater. I can hear and see, but it takes me awhile to react.
I’m trying to be patient. It hasn’t even been two years since I finished chemo. Radiation was only a toddler ago. My reconstruction hasn’t even had an anniversary yet.
Healing is tedious,
but I’m getting there.