There are very few things that scare me. I am fine with rodents, spiders, snakes, clowns, blood, insects (though cockroaches can fuck off cause they’re disgusting), public speaking, and most of the “top ten fears” list. There is only one thing that I fear–getting cancer again.

Honestly, I don’t fear death. I fear being sick. I fear being weak. I fear my family & friend’s pain.

I’m afraid of having to do chemo again. I’m afraid of having to do radiation again. I don’t want the nausea, the baldness, the inability to eat or drink due to sensitivity, the fatigue…

I’m sure you’re wondering what brought on this particular dark spiral. Well, this is going to be a little TMI, so if that is a nope for you, skip to the next paragraph. Backstory: When I was in chemo, I went into early menopause. I was very disappointed when my period returned. I am not having anymore children. Two chemo treatments? My eggs are full of holes. Nowstory: When my period started to to skip months, I got excited. I thought, “Finally! White pants!” I would skip a month or three. Then monthly, Then skip. I thought normal menopause stuff. Well, I hadn’t had a period in 85 days & then I started to spot. I thought, “Here we go again.” I proceeded to spot every day for three weeks.

Knowing that wasn’t normal, I made an appointment to go to the doctor. I stupidly Googled what could be wrong. I had a trans-vaginal ultrasound (Did you really think you were going to not hear anything? This whole fucking blog is TMI.) to see if there was an ectopic pregnancy, a regular pregnancy, uterine cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. Unfortunately, they saw what they think was a polyp. However, they couldn’t see well enough on the ultrasound to be sure.

The uterine wall was too thick & needed to be thinned out. I was prescribed a small dose of birth control pills to help kick start my period. We needed thin the uterine walls in order to see better. If the birth control didn’t work, we’d have to do a D & C. They also did a blood test to see if I was anemic & check my hormone levels. I go back to the doctor in the morning to find out what they actually saw.

AND I AM FREAKING OUT.

I am so worried that I have cancer again. A voice inside me keeps telling me that when (not if) I get cancer again then I will die from it. Three strikes, bitches. And now that voice is screaming. I looked at my blood & hormonal test results. they don’t look reassuring.

I’m not going to post this yet. I need to know what happens tomorrow first. I just needed to write this part first. I just wanted to finally be honest and say that I am not okay all of the time. I can be a fuckin mess.

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It’s been about two months since I wrote that. I do not have a polyp. I do not have cancer. I am in perimenopause which means that I am in the space between my body being all reproductive and full on menopause. I already knew that but these were new symptoms. I needed a doctor to say, “Yep. That’s what it is.” My regular gynecologist was out of the office for a medical leave. The replacement doctor did not reassure me. She actually kind of freaked out due to my history. Recommended a D & C and that I remove my ovaries and Fallopian tubes. Also, she suggested that I may have PCOS.

Doctor. Freaking. Is. Not. Helpful.

Thankfully, I was due to see my oncologist soon. When I told her what the replacement doc had told me, she got this look

So I breathed a little easier & made an appointment to see my regular doc. I also scheduled a two month followup with the oncologist to do blood work and such. When I saw my regular GYN, he told me to keep all of my organs, it’s perimenopause, and he’ll see me in 6 months to check in. When I saw my oncologist, she said my blood-work looked good. I wasn’t anemic due to prolonged blood loss. She also said to come back in 6 months to recheck labs. So physically, I am well.

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So what was the point of this post? I wanted people to know how it feels post cancer. Sometimes it feels like a nightmare that never, never ends. I absolutely have PTSD. A doctor appointment can overwhelm me–racing heart, nausea, sweating, light-headed, etc,. I can start smelling or tasting things that aren’t there, such as saline. As a two time cancer-getter, it has already been proven that my luck is shaky at best.

If you know someone who’s had cancer, be gentle with them, especially around doctor appointments. Saying you’re okay is not the same as being okay.