The Accidental Amazon recently posted an article about Cancer-related Fatigue (CRF) and it couldn’t have hit any harder home for me. Holy shit have I been struggling! I think that since my surgery six weeks ago, I have only woken up refreshed three or four times. If I don’t have any reason to set an alarm, I will easily sleep 10 or 12 (sometimes 14) hours and still wake up groggy and dragging. I can’t remember the last time I had constant energy throughout the day.
After having cancer kick my ass for a year and a half, I hate that I end up spending two days in bed for just trying to live my life. Trying to be a normal person is exceedingly difficult when you have no energy or concentration. For example, I can’t read more than a few pages before my mind starts to wander. I’m constantly re-reading.
Same with conversations. My youngest will be having a conversation with me. I’ll be involved, nodding and responding. Then, I’ll just . . . disappear.
She’s exceedingly patient with me. If I suddenly don’t respond, she’ll gently guide me back to attention. But there are times, where no matter how gentle people are with me, my brain completely freaks out that it isn’t the only thing in the universe.
I’m making fun, but it really does interfere with my life. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of sleep not making me well. I’m tired of appearing okay, but knowing I’m not.
The next time I see my oncologist I’ll tell her how much fatigue has been bothering me. I hope she’ll be able help me because it doesn’t matter if I’ve exercised or eaten well. I’m perpetually tired. Another reason that everything about cancer sucks.